


Just Tell Me I Matter

by wibblywobblymess



Series: The Girl in the Motel [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Loneliness, References to Suicide, actually references to considering suicide, daddy!dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-06
Updated: 2013-07-06
Packaged: 2017-12-17 22:02:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/872433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wibblywobblymess/pseuds/wibblywobblymess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seven years since Dean, Sam, and Cas set foot in the motel with Nikki and Hayvin.<br/>Seven years since they saw each other, but Dean still called, holidays and birthdays.<br/>Nikki hadn't expected him to come back again for the holidays. And she certainly didn't expect it to be so hard to see him again.</p><p> </p><p>{Un-beta'd - all mistakes are mine.}</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Tell Me I Matter

**Author's Note:**

> The links are so you can see what clothes I'm putting the boys in when they arrive...I don't know why i felt the need to do it, I just did. :)  
> Also, the jacket mentioned at the end, linked to a pic of Dean, it's not -his- jacket, but I couldn't find one that looked good enough without him in it (ehehe), so just for a reference, it's almost exactly like that. 
> 
>  
> 
> This is the final part {unless, for some bizarre, unknown reason, I get the urge to add one last piece}. I hope you guys enjoyed!
> 
>  
> 
> \----------------
> 
>  
> 
> \---  
>  _I do not give permission to have any of my works put up on goodreads or any other such site._

                By the time the holiday season rolled around, not a single person was checked into the motel. Anyone who had been had checked out to spend the holiday with family, a smile on their face as they talked about having no problems sleeping on couches as long as they could be with their family. It was all about “Christmas is a time to spend with your family.”

                Nikki was so tired of hearing about it, she refused to put any decorations up at the motel. Hayvin wanted to at least put up a wreath, and despite her mother’s protests, it went up on the outside of the Office door as the snow fell on the ground.

                Dean and Sam had last come to town seven years ago, and when they left with Cas, they promised to keep in touch. Not that Nikki had her doubts, but…well…Nikki had a pretty solid reason to have her doubts. But they surprised her. Sam called her when they got back to the bunker, and Dean called – every year – on Hayvin’s birthday. He never emailed, or Skyped, but she hadn’t exactly expected him to. Hell, she hadn’t expected a phone call, even. But it made her feel better, when her phone had rang.

                Now that she was fourteen, Hayvin wasn’t as attached to her mother, she wasn’t as much a little angel has she had been when she met her father. But it was to be expected, growing up, hitting puberty, becoming a teenager. Nikki had gone through six different colors in repainting her daughters room – in six months – before forcing her to choose two, and not changing it again.

                She was tired. She was irritated. And Christmas was rearing its happy-and-cheery head just around the corner, reminding Nikki that she had to figure out what to get this impossibly-difficult-but-still-lovely teenager that still looked a bit like her father.

                She hated the holidays.

                A few days before Christmas, as the last person checked out of their room, and Nikki happily flopped down in a chair in the back room, Hayvin ducked in the back door, and raised a brow.

“…Mom?” Nikki shifted, tugging at the unbuttoned red and blue plaid shirt she had on over her grey t-shirt.

“Motel is empty. I’m relaxing. What’s up?”

“Oh…I just wanted to let you know I’m going over to Jenny’s for a while.”

“What time will you be home?”

“I don’t know.”

“Hayvin.” The girl groaned, rolling her eyes, before she shrugged.

“No later than eleven?”

“Make it ten, and you’ve got a deal, unless you’re staying the night.”

“Can I?” Nikki lifted her head off the chair, raising a brow as her daughter stood in the doorway.

“What’s the plan?”

“Movies, girl talk.”

“Are you going anywhere?”

“No.”

“Anyone coming over? Any boys?”

“Mom.”

“You answer, or you don’t go.”

“Ugh! Mom!” Nikki blinked, but didn’t waiver, until Hayvin sighed, and shook her head. “No. Honestly, ma.”

“Are her parents’ home to make sure?”

“I wouldn’t be asking if they weren’t.”

“Then go ahead. Home tomorrow by ten.”

“Mom!”

“Do you want to go?” Hayvin frowned, and groaned, before nodding.

“Fine. Ten.”

“Have fun. Love you.”

“You too. Thanks, mom.” With that, Hayvin was back out the door, and Nikki flopped her head back, groaning.

“I thought we had a deal…I don’t flip my lid, and you let me skip right over these fucking teen years,” Nikki whined, rubbing her hand down her face.

At that moment, she heard noise in the office, and the bell rung, forcing her to bite back the groan and swears in her throat. With a muttered _We’re not finished,_ she pointed at the ceiling, and pushed her body off the chair. A sigh passed her lips as she rubbed her eyes and made her way to the front desk.

“Hi, there,” she spoke, smiling a bit at the counter as she dug a pen out of the drawer under the computer. She placed it on the counter as she tapped the keys to log in. “A room for the night?”

“Not if I can stay with the owner.”

                Nikki froze, finger over the Enter key, and furrowed her brow at the voice. It literally made her heart skip a beat, and her stomach knot, as her skin paled. For a moment, she didn’t move, she didn’t speak – hell, she wasn’t even sure she was breathing – until he cleared his throat, and she saw his right hand, with that silver ring on his ring finger, rest upon the counter.

“You okay?”

“Dean?” she squeaked, her head raising up finally, as the air came into her lungs.

                Just across the counter he stood, in a [dark blue utility coat](http://hells-half-acre.livejournal.com/116540.html) covering a matching unbuttoned [Carhartt shirt](http://hells-half-acre.livejournal.com/342498.html), and a black T-shirt on top of a pair of scuffed blue jeans. There was concern in his eyes, most likely at the fact that she froze when he spoke, but it quickly became surprise when she practically _leapt_ around the counter and threw her arms around him.

“Dean! Oh my god, what are you doing here?!” she exclaimed, as he hooked both arms around her waist with a grunt, and pulled her against him in a tight hug. A laugh passed her lips as she kicked up her feet, the excitement of actually seeing him bubbling from head to toe, and he started laughing as he squeezed her back.

“Easy, killer! We’re here to see you guys!” Nikki dropped her feet to the floor, stumbling a bit on her boots, and looked towards the door as Sam shuffled in the door, brushing the snow off of his [brown Carhartt coat](http://hells-half-acre.livejournal.com/121310.html).

“Sam! Geezus, _stop getting taller_ ,” she laughed, bounding over and hooking her arms around his waist. He laughed, too, and returned the hug, before letting her step back to see them.

“I’m trying, Nik, I really am. You look _great_ ,” Sam complimented, patting her shoulder as she blushed, and shrugged.

“I’m going to accept that as the most wonderful thing I’ve heard all year,” she chuckled, shaking her head.

“What?” Dean sounded confused, and she rolled her head towards him.

“Your daughter is fourteen. Makeup, boys, and wants little to nothing to do with mom unless it gets her something,” she explained, glancing over her shoulder to be sure – for whatever reason – Hayvin hadn’t come back in.

“Maybe we should have picked a different time to come back,” he teased, and grunted as she thrust her fist into his shoulder.

“First, I’ll kill you if you leave so soon,” she threatened, despite the smirk on her face. “Second, _do you have any idea how glad I am that it’s you guys_? I don’t have to fucking worry about renting a room. Pull around to the house, we finally got the basement finished.”

“Basement?”

“Yeah…I hired some people – great work, turned the basement into, basically, an apartment. I don’t really have people stay over, but Hayvin likes it for when her friends come over…two couches, both pull out, there’s a TV and all the…You know what, pull the car around to the house, I’ll finish up here, and I’ll just show you.”

“If you’re sure you don’t just want us to have a ro-“

“If I have…one more person…rent out a room and tell me anything about the Christmas spirit, I’ll stab myself in the neck.”

“Okay, pulling around,” Dean replied, already heading outside with Sam in tow. She chuckled, and placed a sign on the door to ring the bell – a bell she had wired into the house so she knew when someone came by – before locking up, shutting down, and racing out the back door.

                She wasn’t sure, really, when the snow had started falling, but it was over her feet in the drift at the back door, and, with a snort, she hopped over it, pulling the back door closed as she bounded past the boys as they parked, and up to the door. Their laughing carried as they climbed out of the car, grabbed their bags, locked the car, and followed her up, kicking their shoes off just inside the door.

“Where’s…Cas?” she asked, curiously turning to see them.

“Oh…that’s a story,” Sam chuckled, shaking his head as he shrugged off his coat to hang it up. Dean followed suit, and rolled his eyes at his brother, as Nikki flopped against the wall to pull off her boots.

“After we left here before…we wound up taking a _massive_ detour…in the six months following, we rounded up something like…what…a half dozen? A half dozen fallen angels?” Dean asked, looking at his brother.

“Something like that.”

“Finally got things figured out…put Metatron in his damn place…and sent the angels back to Heaven…except for the ones that didn’t want to go.” She raised her head, brow raised.

“Cas?”

“They all got their grace back – and then some, considering Gabe’s back.”

“Gabe?”

“Long…long…long story, for another day.”

“Okay…” she replied, not pushing.

“Anyway…the ones that wanted to, they went home. The ones that didn’t…they stayed. Cas stayed here with the ones we found that didn’t want to go, they’re all at the bunker…he’s been helping them acclimate.”

“What if something happens?”

“Cas has his mojo…he can just…poof here if he has to,” Dean replied, moving his hands in an explosion sign, as Nikki chuckled and nodded.

“Too bad he didn’t come for the holiday…but, I’m actually…” She paused, and shook her head. “Nevermind – come on, basement’s this way,” she said, leading them through the kitchen, to a door that could be mistaken for a pantry.                 Upon opening it, and shifting to switch on the light, the boys watched her thump down the steps, and followed, bags slung over their shoulders.

                Nikki wasn’t kidding.

                The basement was _fully finished_ , with a table and a couple chairs along one wall, two big, comfy looking couches in the middle, and a huge TV mounted on the wall. Just beneath it was a Blu-Ray player as well as a few game consoles. Sam’s eyes went to the built in bookshelves that lined half the wall that ran the length of the basement, one side filled with books, the other with movies and games. Nikki crossed the fluffy tan carpet towards the middle of the room, and turned to face them, smiling.

“That door…leads to the kitchen – it’s not big, there’s no stove, but it has a fridge, a counter, a convection oven, and a sink,” Nikki shrugged, before pointing to another door. “That is the bathroom. That is the closet…and that is the utilities – water heater, furnace, and the electrical panel,” she explained.

“Holy shit, Nik.”

“I got everything when Chris died, including what he had apparently been stockpiling from when Dad died. I put half away for Hayvin, and the rest, I put to good use,” she chuckled, shrugging. “And this is your guys’ place for as long as you’re in town.”

                Sam was already throwing himself onto one of the couches, grunting in appreciation, as Nikki started for the steps.

“Um…remotes are on the table…help yourselves.”

“Where are you going?” Dean asked, turning to see her as he shrugged his coat off, and tossed it onto the back of the couch.

“Upstairs. Hayvin’s at a friend’s house for the night, I am _starving_ , and I am tired…if you two weren’t here, I’d be falling asleep in bed after eating half a pie…that I would regret and work off tomorrow,” she admitted, chuckling as she bounded up the steps. Dean glanced at Sam, both laughing a little, before he headed up after her, letting Sam fumble with the remotes to turn on the TV.

                The fridge was open when he pulled the door closed behind him, and Nikki was tugging out a couple of beers and a box of leftover pizza. He smiled, nodding, and started towards her as she turned to him with a smile.

“Don’t know if you’re hungry…but I know you usually take a b-“ The moment he reached her, her words fell between them, his lips claiming hers in a soft, tender kiss. Almost instantly, her hands found his shoulders, quietly thankful she wasn’t holding anything. One of his hands wrapped around her hip, while the other cupped her cheek, pulling her just a bit closer before he pulled back, carefully opening his eyes.

“…you do look great, Nik.”

“Fuck you, Winchester.”

“Hey!” he exclaimed, as she laughed softly, and leaned up to kiss him again.

“Sorry.”

“What was that for?” he frowned, brow raised. She laughed again, and shook her head.

“Showing up three days before Christmas – I didn’t get you anything, so I have to go shopping tomorrow.” He laughed, rolling his eyes, and patted her cheek as he stood upright.

“No, you really don’t. Seeing you guys is a good enough present.”

“Not for me. I mean…you two showing up is the best thing I could ask for. But really, I have to get you something,” she told him, the tone of her voice telling him not to argue, as she pushed herself up on her toes, and raised a brow. “You look great, too, Dean.”

“So Hayvin is gone? All night?”

“You are not getting lucky tonight, Winchester…no amount of flirting or batting those lashes is going to change my mind.”

                One of Sam’s arms dangled off the edge of the couch, his face mashed into the pillow, the blanket tangled around his legs, as he slept peacefully in the basement to the soft hum of the cheesy late-night moving playing on the TV. The lights were off all across the house, the doors locked. Nikki curled her bare body against Dean’s, arm draped across his waist, as she pressed a light kiss to his sweat-slicked skin.

“Damn it, Dean, I said no,” she huffed, laughing softly.

“I didn’t make you.”

“I know…but it’s been way too freaking long, and I have been wishing we had when you were last here.”

“We could h-“

“Shut up.” Dean snorted, and looked down as Nikki shifted, and rolled onto her other side.

“What’re you doing?”

“Rolling…a certain someone has a freakish ability to wear me out.” He smirked, proud, as he moved onto his side, and pulled her body against his. As his lips brushed her shoulder, she blushed, and laced her fingers with his as his arm draped over her stomach. “I missed you.”

“I did say you didn’t have to wait for me, Nik…”

“I said I’d wait if I wanted.”

“I told you it wasn’t fair to you.”

“Are we having this conversation?” she asked, shifting to see him. “Dean. I don’t _want_ anyone else. I don’t…I mean…I’ve tried. I have. There’s Hayvin’s friend’s mothers, taking pity on Hayvin’s lonely, single mother. I’m not lonely. I’m alone, she’s all I’ve got day in and day out, but I’m not lonely, because I know there’s at least _someone_ out there who cares enough to call, even if it is just a few times a year. I treasure those phone calls. I really do.”

“Nik…”

“There isn’t anyone on this earth who I have looked forward to talking to as much as I look forward to talking to you. And a lot of people talk to me…not just at work. Those mothers give my number out, people call me so many times when I ask them not to, it’s why I’ve changed my number and finally just got that cell phone. You guys and Hayvin are the only ones who have the number.”

                They looked at each other in the dark for a moment, silent, before he bowed his head, and kissed her shoulder again.

“When the house phone rings, my stomach drops. When my cell rings…I get happy…because I know who it’s going to be.”

“Nikki…”

“All…I said…was that I missed you. Because I did. I really did. I didn’t…I wasn’t trying to start anything.” Her voice was defeated, and it dropped a weight in his gut as he pulled her towards him to see her face.

“I missed you too, Nikki…thank you…for waiting.” She sighed, but smiled, and nodded, curling back up on her side.

“Get some sleep, Dean…I’m closing the motel tomorrow to go shopping…”

“Nikki…”

“Oh, god, don’t start,” she chuckled, burying her face in the pillow.

***

                When Dean woke up the following morning, he could hear noise in the kitchen, and the bed beside him was cool. Nikki had been up a little while. Frowning, stretching, and yawning, Dean pulled on his boxers, and shuffled out of the bedroom, rubbing his hand through his hair as he peered into the kitchen. The clock on the wall buzzed, and clicked over, bringing his attention to the wall above him to see the time change to 9:14.

“You been up long?” he asked, his voice gruff and still laced with sleep, as he looked in at Nikki by the sink. She paused, and peered over at him, a small smile on her lips.

“About an hour…I…went and turned off the lights and signs for the motel…made some coffee. Sam’s still out downstairs, but I pushed him back onto the couch.”

“Was he almost on the floor?”

“Oh yeah,” she chuckled. Her head bowed as she finished rinsing the cup in her hands, but she froze as his hands wrapped around her waist, his lips brushing her neck.

“When’s Hayvin going to be home?”

“…ten.”

“Damn.” Setting the cup in the strainer, Nikki wiped her hands on the towel on the counter, and turned to see Dean, whimpering softly as he caught her lips in a quick, closed-mouth kiss. “Kidding. Kidding,” he chuckled, watching her smile as he let go of her, and smiled back.

“You should probably put pants on.”

“Oh…yeah, sure.” She followed him to the bedroom, falling back against the closed door, as he pulled his jean back on, glancing back at her with a curious brow lift.

“Can I ask you for a favor?”

“…depends?”

“I just need a ride. I tried to start my car, and the stupid thing is dead…I must have left the lights on or something. There’s a mall, one town over…I can get you guys a gift, and pick up a new battery.”

“You aren’t getting a battery for your car at the _mall_.”

“I can if I want to.”

“No, seriously, Nik. Consider it my gift, I’ll get you a battery from an auto store.” His fingers wrapped around her sides and he pulled her towards him, jeans on his hips but not fastened, as he kissed her softly. “Please.”

“Keep that up, you can do whatever you want,” she murmured, his lips still on hers.

“I’ll keep that in mind, gorgeous.”

                Before she could say anything, or kiss him, the front door slammed shut, and she pulled away, grinning. Only person who would come in was Hayvin, and with a giggle, Nikki ducked out of the bedroom, pulling the door closed behind her.

“Morning, mom.”

“Hey, sweetie…um…we’ve got company.” Hayvin stopped, one boot off, and raised a brow.

“I saw the car…why does that car look familiar?” Almost as if on cue, Nikki’s door opened, and Dean walked out, jeans done, shirt on, and smiled over at the young redhead.

“Happy Holidays, Hayvin.” For the first time in almost a year, Hayvin’s green eyes sparkled, lit up, and she squealed, jumping out of her other boot.

“Daddy!” He caught her as she flung herself at him, and gave her a squeeze, smiling brightly.

They only hugged a couple times before he left the last time he was out, but it was something Hayvin missed when he was gone. And as much as Dean had been hesitant about this whole ‘having a kid’ thing, he took to it well, calling on her birthday and on holidays (when he remembered), and answering when she called him – which wasn’t often, and was usually just to remind him she missed him. And loved him. And it only took six times before he started happily saying it back to her.

                And it was true. He didn’t know as much about Hayvin as he wished he did, and he wasn’t around as much as he wished he was, as much as he knew he should be, but he loved her. She was his daughter, half him, half Nikki, pretty, smart, and funny. She was _his_ daughter. He loved her to the ends of the Earth. And even though she would never admit it, Nikki was actually a little jealous that the phone calls and birthday cards that showed up in the mail for Hayvin from Dean – and Sam, even – tended to include some variation of I Love You, though she had yet to hear it for herself. The only person to tell her they loved her for as long as she could remember was Hayvin, and even that was rare as of late.

                After a moment of Dean and Hayvin embracing, Nikki cleared her throat, and waited for Hayvin to pull back, and look at her mom. The difference between the way she looked at Dean, and the way she looked at Nikki, was night and day, that made Nikki pause, and take a breath, before speaking.

“My car is dead. Your dad is…going to take me over to the mall to finish shopping, and then to the auto parts store to get a new battery. Would you like to go?”

“Yes! Oh! Yes!” He chuckled, and ruffled her hair as she mock pouted, and stuck out her tongue, before grinning again. “Let me go change!”

“Not right this second, hon. He just woke up…Sam’s still sleeping downsta-“

“Uncle Sam’s here too? Oh!” With a giggle, Hayvin grabbed her bag, and disappeared into her room, leaving Dean grinning behind her, as Nikki rubbed her eyes and moved back into her room.

“Fuck me…” she grumbled, yanking open her closet. As much as she tried not to have said it, Dean heard, and closed the door behind him.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing…forget it. You wanna wake Sam, see if he wants to go?”

“Nikki, what’s going on?”

“I said, forget it, Dean. Go wake your brother.”

                Scowling, and narrowing his eyes, Dean yanked the door open, then closed, as he headed down to the basement. Nikki stilled in the closet, hand gripping the shirt in front of her, as she tried to stop the tears that brimmed her eyes. For a moment, she considered just telling Dean to go with Sam and Hayvin, that she didn’t want to go. What was the point? She was buying gifts for two of the only men in her life, who never stayed. Nikki had fought with herself for _years_ over when her life came down to a man she honestly barely knew, and a daughter that stopped being her angel when she turned nine and made a whole new circle of friends. She loved Hayvin, and wouldn’t trade her for anything, she just wished her daughter hadn’t been typical, hadn’t shut her out.

What she hated was that she loved Dean. Try as she might, Nikki couldn’t stop herself. She went out on dates, she talked to those guys on the phone, but they weren’t Dean. Their voices didn’t make her feel safe, they made her uncomfortable. Their company didn’t excite her, or make her happy, they just made her wonder what was happening at home, or with Dean. He was the only person, aside from Hayvin, who was always there, in her head. She fought with herself about admitting that she loved him, but when he showed up at the motel seven years before, Nikki couldn’t fight it. It was the truth. But she at least managed to stop from _saying_ it. Writing it, she had to.

But Dean never said it back. Not once. He didn’t even hint to the fact that she wrote it. It was like it never happened. And that sucked, because she saw the cards, heard the conversations, where he said it to Hayvin. And he kept calling. They talked. He even showed up, now, for the holidays, and spent the night with her.

“…maybe it’s just me,” she finally murmured, closing her eyes as she yanked out a red plaid shirt and jeans.

                By the time she forced her sad, self-loathing self out of the bedroom, and bathroom – after putting on makeup to hide that she was, in fact, self-loathing – Dean, Sam, and Hayvin were sitting in the living room, dressed and just…waiting.

“…you know, you could have knocked. I’d have hurried up.”

“Figured you’d come out when you were ready,” Hayvin answered, shrugging nonchalantly. Nikki fought the urge to roll her eyes as she grabbed at her black jacket, and looked towards them.

“If we’re going, let’s go. Get this over with.”

                Hayvin slid into the front seat before either Sam or Nikki could say anything, or reach the car, and Dean laughed, pulling his door open.

“Ya snooze, ya lose!” he laughed, dropping behind the wheel. Nikki glanced up at Sam, who just rolled his eyes and climbed in the back, before sitting beside him, and slouching in her seat. “So! Nik! Directions to the mall.”

“Ask her,” she replied, motioning a weak hand towards Hayvin. All three caught the disinterest in her voice, and peered at her, but no one asked about it as Dean turned the key, and Baby roared to life.

                The mall was full of people bustling about, doing last minute shopping. Hayvin practically clung to Dean as they walked, jabbering on about everything he had missed in the past seven years as though they never talked. Nikki followed behind them, hands in her pockets, before glancing at the shops, and stopping.

“I’ll meet you guys…somewhere. Later,” she said, waving at Dean as he glanced back at her, and disappearing into the bookstore they past. With just a glance, and a look of _please_ , Sam nodded at his brother, and followed her, as Dean walked Hayvin around the mall.

                Christmas music played over the speakers, at a volume that should have been soothing, but Nikki just wanted to bury herself beneath the books and not come out until it was over. She jumped as Sam’s hand caught her elbow, and spun, surprised.

“What?”

“You wanna talk about whatever it is that’s bugging you? Because I’m right here, and I’m happy to listen.”

“…you don’t wanna listen, Sam, not even Hayvin wants to listen, and she’s my daughter.”

“I’m your friend, and I’m not going through the _I hate my mother_ stage.” Nikki and Sam stared at each other for a minute, neither backing down, until he saw her lip tremble, and she let her head fall.

                Gently, he pulled her away from the crowd, into an uninhabited corner of the shop, where she gave him a basic account of what she and Dean said to each other the night before, about her missing him, and not being lonely. Sam kept a hand on her arm, listening carefully, as she swallowed back the tears she didn’t want to shed.

“…I am _so lonely_ , Sam, I just…It’s me and her. And every single I love you that comes into that house is directed at her, not me. I haven’t heard it from _anyone_ in over a year, and aside from her telling me, no one has said it…since I was…I don’t know, maybe six?” she spoke, her voice broken as he pulled her into an embrace. “I hate this…empty way I feel, and I just…I want _someone_ to tell me I matter to them. She _is_ in the ‘hate my mother’ phase, and Dean…only seems to do feeling with blood,” she complained, before shaking her head, and pulling back a bit. “I’m sorry…I’m sorry…”

“No…no, you’re right…but Dean…Dean’s never had it easy, Nik. We grew up with dad, but all we ever _really_ had was each other. It took us a long time t-to accept that…that family doesn’t end with blood. But sometimes it’s still hard to grasp. Everyone we’ve ever considered family died, even if some of us came back,” he chuckled, as she shook her head, hiding her small smile.

“I’ve waited…for fifteen years…to hear that I matter to Dean Winchester. _Fifteen years_ , Sam, I have to be sick in the head if that’s what I’ve done while raising our daughter. I know _she_ matters to him. He adores her, he fucking loves her, and fine, I’m glad he does, I’m glad he didn’t flip his lid, or get angry, or anything like that. You know, when you guys were last here, those DVDs of Hayvin I sent back with him, I put a sticky in there, with my number, my information, so he could keep in touch…I wrote that I loved him, because I was afraid he’d never talk to me again if I said it. But…” She leaned against an empty slot of wall, free of shelves, and looked up at Sam’s gentle eyes as he peered down at her.

“But…what?”

“I _don’t_ matter. I really don’t. I’m…a set piece. A means to an end. The only thing, in this entire life, that I’ve been good at…is losing the people I care about. I killed my mother. I killed my father. I shut my brother out, because he was turning into my father. I’ve done everything I could not to do that with Hayvin, because she is _all I really have_ , and she wants nothing to do with me…I’m just the adult that pays the bills and buys her food. And…I don’t matter, because if I weren’t here, she has friends she can live with. Friends’ parents who would happily take her in. I step out of my life, and the only thing that changes is the house and family that Hayvin lives with. That’s it.” Sam rapidly shook his head, hearing the sadness in her voice, understanding what it was she was really saying.

“Don’t. Don’t talk like that. You are needed here. You matter.”

“Am I? _Do_ I? How do I possibly matter, Sam? The only constant in my life wants nothing to do with me.”

“Because she’s a teenager, Nik, that’s how they always _are_.” Tears brimmed her eyes as she lowered her head, and sniffled.

“I’ve spent…six months…trying to convince myself that I’m one of those people who…once I’m gone…everyone will come out of the woodwork, and lament that I’m gone, because I mattered, because they love me…and every time I try, that voice in my head, that doubt that won’t go away, tells me if someone loved me, they’d tell me…and that I have to have people in my life in order to matter to them. I have _person_ in my life, and to her…”

“Without you, she wouldn’t be here.” Sam’s hands found hers, and he leaned against the wall beside her, bending his knees until he was at eye-level with her. “Nikki…listen to me, and I want you to listen to me very carefully, and never, ever forget what I’m about to tell you.” Her eyes lifted, red, puffy, and moist, as her breath hitched at the sadness that stared back at her. “You matter. You matter to us. And as much as I want to speak for my brother, I can’t…so I’ll speak for myself. I love you, because you helped us find our own fallen angel…and you gave my brother something that he has always wanted but always been so afraid to have. And because you gave him hope, that he might actually be able to _have_ a family in his life, despite the life we live.”

                Tears poured down Nikki’s face as she struggled not to sob, right there in the middle of the bookstore, and Sam wrapped his arms around her, letting her bury her face in his shirt. Patrons hesitantly stepped up, worried about the sobbing woman near the wall, but every time they started, he just shook his head, assuring them that his sister was just having a rough time with the holiday. And that brought another sob passed her lips.

                It was at least twenty minutes before she had calmed down enough to pull away, and Sam’s large hands cupped her face, his thumbs wiping the tears from beneath her eyes. She thanked him again and again, without ever saying a word, and leaned up to gently kiss his cheek.

“Family don’t end with blood,” he said softly, before hooking an arm around her shoulders. “Come on…I’ll help you shop.”

                The two sat beside each other at the food court, Sam finishing the last bites of his salad, Nikki sipping her soda, when Dean and Hayvin finally found them. Sam smiled up at the two of them, but Nikki didn’t flinch, fully aware that her eyes were still a bit red, and she was still a bit on the edge of an emotional wreck.

“Find what you wanted?” Dean asked, as Nikki pushed two full cups in front of them towards the newcomers.

“Found all I’m getting…you?” she asked, her voice a bit rough – hoarse, sore – as she glanced at Sam.

“Yeah…we can hit the auto shop, and then back to the house, if you two are ready.”

“Sounds good…uh…you two hungry?” Sam asked, holding up a bag with a couple burgers. “We didn’t know how long you’d be, so we just grabbed you something.”

“Ooh!” Hayvin snagged the bag, grinning sweetly up at Sam, as Dean chuckled, and nodded.

“Thanks, Sammy.”

“Nikki got it.” Dean rounded the table, pressing a kiss to the top of her head, and frowning a little as she flinched.

“…thanks, Nik.”

“You’re welcome.” Picking up the bags from between their chairs, Nikki let Sam hook an arm around her shoulders, and the four made their way back to the Impala in the lot.

                No one spoke on the drive home. Nikki hauled her bags into the house, hiding them in her room, before coming out to shrug off her jacket and hang it with the others.

“You got your keys?” Dean asked, poking his head in the front door. She paused, frowning, and cocked her head at him. “The battery.”

“Oh! No…I can do that.”

“I don’t mi-“

“Dean. I know how to fix my car.” He narrowed his eyes, frowning, before stepping into the house, and nudging the snow from his boots.

“I didn't say you couldn’t, what the hell is the matter with you today?” Her breath hitched, and she stared at him, not even sure what emotion she felt in that moment, before yanking her coat off her shoulders and thrusting the keys into his hand.

“Nothing. I’m fine. Thank you, for the battery. Thank you, for fixing my car. _If_ anyone needs me, I’ll be in the motel,” she called over her shoulder, brushing past Dean and padding across the lot to the motel.

“What the fuck is going on?” he asked, mostly to himself, as he watched her go.

“She doesn’t matter,” Sam answered, stepping up behind him.

“Hey, _hey_ , you watch yourself, Sammy, you aren’t too tall for me to wh-“

“No, Dean…according to her, she doesn’t matter, and no one loves her,” Sam explained, shaking his head. “You know who the first person to tell her she mattered was?” Dean furrowed his brow, looking up at his brother. “Me. In the bookstore. At the mall. While she _cried_. …because no one has ever told her that, and because Hayvin, the _only_ person who has ever said they loved her, hasn’t told her in over a year.”

                By the time Nikki headed back to the house, after spending all afternoon doing _nothing_ but hiding in the back room of the motel, the battery was swapped in the car, and she could see her daughter laughing and enjoying herself through the basement window, watching TV with Sam and Dean. She quietly pushed the door open, nudged off her shoes, and shut herself in her bedroom, pulling the bags from the mall out of the back of her closet. One of the bags she tucked back in, but the others she emptied onto the floor, fumbling with the roll of wrapping paper that was under her bed.

                Christmas. Time for family, and love, and presents.

                At least she had two of the three, right?

                A soft tap sounded at the door, and she sighed, shifting to pull her blanket off the bed.

“Who is it?”

“…just me, mom…”

“…come on in,” she sighed again, covering the items as she turned to see Hayvin walk in. “What’s up?”

“Why aren’t…you joining us downstairs?”

“Don’t belong down there,” Nikki answered simply, turning back towards the things she’d hidden. “Besides…I’ve got some things to do up here.”

“Mom…”

“Oh, not you too.”

“…what?” Hayvin asked softly, lowering her body to the floor beside her mother. Nikki sighed, rubbing at her eyes.

“You sounded just like Dean…what’s up, honey? You didn’t come all the way up here just to ask why I was still up here.” Hayvin frowned, but watched her mom for a moment, before sliding over, and wrapping her arms around her, kissing her cheek lightly.

“I love you, momma…and I’m sorry I don’t tell you that enough.” Nikki seized up, surprised by the gesture, the words, before she returned the embrace, and kissed her daughter’s cheek.

“…I love you too, baby…I always will.”

                For a few minutes, they just sat on the floor, arms around each other, as Nikki resisted every urge to break again, before Hayvin finally pulled back, smiling.

“Join us?”

“I have to…do a few things up here…and I am tired, honey, so…probably not. But you have fun.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.” Kissing her forehead, Hayvin climbed to her feet, and pulled the door open.

“Oh…mom?”

“Yeah, baby?” Nikki asked, hands on the blanket, but head twisted to see her.

“…You do matter…” With that, the door closed behind Hayvin, and Nikki clamped a hand over her mouth to stop the sound – the whimper- as tears sprung to her eyes.

                The three watched a movie alone, while Nikki shuffled about upstairs. Sam passed out on his couch, and Hayvin did the same against Dean, so when the movie finally finished, he shut everything down, carefully picked her up, and made his way upstairs, putting her into her bed. He could see the tree, lighting up the corner of the living room, and headed towards it, pausing at the sight of a few more gifts tucked under the branches. Celebrating Christmas so traditionally was still very new to Dean, but damn if he didn’t like seeing the tree, the lights, the holly and wreaths, and even the mistletoe, though that lay abandoned on the coffee table.

                Nikki’s door was half open, and, peering in, Dean saw her curled up against her blanket on the floor, the empty wrapping paper tube and tape near her feet. Chuckling, he carefully picked her up, and laid her back on the bed, gingerly undoing her jeans to at least let her sleep comfortably. He plucked the blanket up, shook it out, and draped it over her, stilling as her hand caught his, holding it against her chest as she rolled away from him.

“Nik?” he whispered.

“Mmmnn…please don’t leave me…” she whimpered, burying her face into her pillow. She was still fast asleep, and probably wouldn’t remember saying it in the morning, but it still managed to break his heart as he nodded, and climbed into the bed behind her, on top of the blanket, and fully clothed.

“Okay…okay, I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

***

                The day between Nikki’s breakdown with Sam and Christmas was quiet. Hayvin didn’t ask if she could do anything to help – she just did. She cleaned up, she tucked the presents back beneath the tree, she helped Nikki ready anything for Christmas dinner that could chill in the fridge. Sam and Dean even helped, cleaning up a bit here, fixing a couple things there (apparently that weird sound _had_ been a leak under the bathroom sink…Nikki just never noticed), and even shoveling out the lot to the motel when the snow finally stopped falling.

                When they came in, Nikki had cocoa set on the table in the living room, and Hayvin was putting down sandwiches beside the cups. Both boys flopped against the wall, catching their breath, tugging off their boots and jackets and, happily, accepting the blankets Nikki sat on the couch for them.

“Sit…drink…eat…warm up…when you’re ready, we’ll open a gift each – tradition,” she told them, ducking back into the kitchen to clean up a bit.

“And we’ll go downstairs, and watch a movie,” Hayvin added with a smile as she pulled a mug and a sandwich into the chair with her.

“What movie?” Dean asked, taking a big drink of the cocoa.

“Usually Ghostbusters II…though I’ve been wanting to watch Rent lately, and mom tells me no…says I’m still too young.”

“You are!”

“You are,” Sam agrees with the voice from the kitchen. “Give it two years…then ask again.”

“Two ye-“

“Yeah…just…for your mom.” Hayvin looked towards the kitchen, and nodded, before looking back, and laughing at the look on Dean’s face.

“Dude…you’ve seen _Rent_?” Sam peered over, shrugged, and sipped his cocoa.

“What? It’s a good movie.”

“We also watch The Santa Clause, sometimes.”

“I vote on Ghostbusters,” Dean piped in, as Sam raised his hand to agree, and Hayvin shifted in her seat.

“Ghostbusters wins!”

“Tradition continues!” Nikki laughed, coming back in, and lowering her body to the floor by the tree. “Okay. Presents. Who wants to go first?”

                After a minute of everyone looking at each other but no one saying anything, Nikki thrust her hand beneath the tree, pulling out one of the smaller gifts, and slid it over to Hayvin.

“Moderator rules – youngest goes first.” The young redhead leaned back, and tore open the package, grinning like a madman as the paper fell away to reveal a new phone.

“Oh! Thank you!”

“That is to finally replace that one we dropped, cracked, and damaged more in the past four months than should be possible,” she laughed, as Hayvin put her cocoa down, hopped up, and hugged her mother.

“Thank you, momma, thank you.”

“You’re welcome, baby…”

                The next gift pulled out from beneath the tree was for Sam, and he laughed as he opened it to find a book of creatures and legends inside. Nikki shrugged, blushing.

“…I wasn’t sure, really…and I thought if nothing else, it could be entertaining to see if anything is right.” Sam reached out, giving her hand a squeeze, and nodded.

“It’s great, Nik, thank you.”

                The gift she pulled out next, for Dean, wasn’t from her, but instead was from Sam. And the entire room laughed a bit when he opened the flimsy package to reveal a blue plaid shirt. He hugged his brother, ruffling his hair, and leaned back, motioning to Nikki.

“One more gift.”

                Somehow, she was hoping they weren’t going to remember it was her turn, that they were going to pack it up, take the food and cocoa, and go downstairs. But Dean’s prompting made her sigh, and glance under the tree.

“Is there even a gift under there for me?” she asked honestly.

“Yeah…it’s in green wrapping paper,” Hayvin said softly, pointing beneath the tree. Nikki’s fingers grasped the item, brow furrowed at the feel of it, and she shifted, tugging the paper away. It was instant, the awareness she was opening it backwards, when she found herself staring down at the back of a picture frame.

“Hayv?”

“Just…turn it over.”

                Her breath caught at the image in the frame, the only picture of Nikki, Hayvin, Dean, and Sam, that Cas took before they left. Her fingers gripped the edges tighter, and she pursed her lips, trying to calm herself down as she finally, _finally_ , cracked a smile.

“I love it, Hayvin…thank you,” she said, showing the boys, and hugging her daughter. There was a sweet smile on Hayvin’s lips as she returned the hug, and kissed her mom’s cheek, and she straightened her back proudly as they parted.

“Merry Christmas, momma.”

“Okay…if…if you three want to head downstairs, I’ll be down in just a second. Popcorn?”

“I can get that,” Hayvin insisted, hopping up, and moving into the kitchen. Nikki pushed herself up off the floor, fingers wrapped around the frame, and looked over at the boys with a small smile.

“Go on – Ghostbusters in on the shelf…just pop it in, we’ll be down in a few.”

                The blankets were left discarded on the back of the couch as the boys stood. Sam put his present down where he had been sitting, and moved to hug Nikki, placing a kiss on her forehead.

“Thank you for the book, Nik.”

“You’re welcome, Sam.”

He smiled, and turned, picking up the sandwiches that had been forgotten on the table, before ducking through the kitchen and down the steps. She watched him go, forgetting momentarily that Dean was in the room, and turned to place the photograph on the table by the tree.

“…Dean?”

“Yeah?” he answered, turning away from the door to see her.

“…Thank you…for putting me in my bed last night.” A smile found his lips, and he shrugged, before walking over, and dropping his shirt to the couch.

“Any time. Look…Nik?”

“Hm?”

“I…have a gift for you, for Christmas…but…I want to give it to you alone…can I give it to you now?”

“One gift per person the night before, that’s the ru-“

“I know the rules…but this one…I don’t want to wait.” Nikki hesitated, eyeing the photo, before nodding and turning around to see him.

“Alright…where is it?”

His smile became a smirk, and he placed his hands on her hips, bowing his head to capture her lips in the sweetest kiss he’d ever given her. His fingers slipped up, carding through her hair, and he gingerly parted his lips, hers following in suit, as he trailed his tongue just inside hers, brushing it against her tongue. When he pulled away, and opened his eyes, he could see she was still stunned – her eyes fluttered, and she didn’t move for a few seconds after. Finally, though, she did take a breath, and open her eyes, looking up at him with absolutely no shield, no guard, the love in her eyes. Almost as soon as he saw it, she closed her eyes, and looked down, trying to blink it away.

“…what was that for?”

“Part of your gift…Thought it would preface what I’m about to tell you pretty well.” Her heart dropped, afraid he was going to tell her something bad, something about leaving, or something similar, and his finger caught her chin as she looked away, lifting her face towards his.

“Dean…”

“I’m sorry, Nik, for the fact that you waited fifteen years for me without knowing if I’d ever come back…without knowing how I felt. There’s been women in my life, people in my life, but, Nik, the _only_ person I regularly said this to use to be my mom, and she’s gone. And I’ve said it since, but as one of those _things_ guys say to get shit going.” She sniffled, closing her eyes, fighting against his finger despite his determination to keep her looking at him. She didn’t want to hear this, this wasn’t going to be something she wanted to hear, and that fear was a ball of iron in the pit of her stomach. “I didn’t want that to be what it was to you. You had enough of the world when we met, and you were only eighteen…you needed something to look forward to.”

“Dean, please…” she whispered, her teeth grinding at her cheek as he shook his head.

“I have no problems saying it to Hayvin, because she’s my daughter…but damn it, Nik…it’s not easy, letting people in, knowing everyone I’ve ever let in is gone…or was gone, and has come back, but we’re freaks, so that’s to be expected.” She laughed, she couldn’t help it, but he leaned in, cupping her cheek. “But shit, Nik, you’ve lasted _fifteen_ _years_ , that’s more than most.” She squeezed her eyes closed, sniffling, as he leaned in, and kissed her gently. “I love you, Nikki.”

                Those words struck her, her eyes shot open, and she found herself staring at Dean in confusion, and concern. He could see her trying to decide if he really said it – hell, if he really meant it – and he nodded, kissing her again.

“I mean that.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because it’s true.”

“No, I mean… fifteen years, we’ve known each other. I sent you off with an _I love you_ the last time you were here, and you didn’t even _acknowledge_ it, for the last seven years…Hayvin, sure, no problem, every phone call, every card. But…” She stopped, and tilted her head, taking a step away from him. “Sam talked to you, didn’t he?”

“I’m a dense guy, Nik…sometimes I really need a kick in the ass to do anything.”

“I never asked you to love me, Dean. I never asked anyone to love me. It would be _nice_ , but I’ve made it this far.”

“Barely. Nik, Sam told me _everything_. You matter. You really do.”

“Oh, geezus…Is that what all this is about, Dean? Because I really can’t handle a pity gift…”

“Mom? You coming?”

“…we’ll be down in a few,” she called back, not looking away from Dean.

“Okay!”

                The moment the basement door closed, Nikki walked away from Dean, running her fingers through her hair. The one thing she wanted to hear, and now that she heard it…she didn’t want it. It made her feel _worse_ , and she silently swore at herself as she shook her head.

“This wasn’t a pity gift, Nik. I’m dense, I really am…I lived most of my life not having to say that to anyone. Sam and I don’t say it, we just know. I forget that other people like to hear it.”

“Why do you think I told you, if I didn’t want to hear it?” she replied, spinning back around to see him, her brow furrowed. “I never _said_ it, because the idea of having to instantly face that the person I love doesn’t love me is _heart-breaking_. Dad didn’t. Chris tried, but fuck, he clearly never did. You…and Hayvin…and Sam…you are all I have now, and I love that kid. I love her more than anything. And last night? Last night was the first time she said that to me in _a year_.”

“I know, Nik, stop.” His hands grabbed her wrists, and he looked at her, struggling to hold her gaze.

“What?”

“I. Love. You.” Her lips parted, to argue, to tell him to stop, but there wasn’t any guard, no attempt to hide the look of honesty in his eyes, and her heart dropped, as her eyes widened.

“…Dean…” she murmured.

“And you do, you really do, matter to me. I’m _so_ not worth any of your affection, but I love you.”

                Tears brimmed her eyes as she slipped closer, resting her head on his shoulder, his arms circling her body. Thirty-three years, and only one person had ever constantly told her they loved her. Hearing those words come from someone who, inexplicably, meant as much to her as Dean did, she didn’t know what to say, or what to do, or how to react aside from the tears, and the silence. But Dean was okay with that. He kissed the top of her head, and let her clutch to him until Sam opened the door, and hollered for them to move their asses. A soft laugh passed her lips as she fumbled to wipe the tears from her face, before her fingers gripped his collar, and pulled him down for a kiss.

“…I love you too.”

“Come on, beautiful – movie time.”

                Hooking an arm around her shoulders, Dean led her towards the steps, waving Sam off as they started down the steps.

“Oh! Wait…” He turned, jogging back, and came back, barely holding the cocoa in his hands.

“Oh, come on,” she sighed, laughing as she took two of the cups. “Get your fine ass downstairs.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Uh, _ew_.”

“Young lady.”

“Love you!”

                Flipping the bathroom light off, Dean poked his head into Hayvin’s room, smiling at her sleeping form, wrapped up in her blanket. Her head was on her pillow, and a small version of that giant panda he won her seven years before was tucked beneath her arm, against her chest. Closing her door, he made his way down the hall, and peeked into Nikki’s room, blushing a bit as she stood in the middle of the floor, pulling her pajama pants over her hips.

“Oh…sorry, Nik.”

“Did you just apologize for seeing me without pants on?”

“…heh…yeah, yeah, I think I did.”

“Wow, Dean,” she chuckled, motioning for him to come inside. He slipped in, shutting the door, and smiled as she walked over to kiss his cheek. “You can stay in here tonight…”

“You sure?”

“I can’t stay mad at you, Dean…I’ve tried. Doesn’t work. So yes…oh…” Pulling away, she moved across the floor, tugged open the closet door, and pulled out the bag she had tucked back while wrapping things the night before.

“What’s that?”

“I forgot to put it under the tree…but this is my gift to you.”

“I’ll open it to-“

“I would like…for you to open it now. For me.” He raised a brow, but clicked on the ceiling light, placing the bag on the desk. She stood near the door, wringing her hands together nervously as she watched him pull out the tissue paper…and more tissue paper. They both laughed as she shook her head, and blushed. “I didn’t realize there was so much in there…”

“ _Sure_ ,” he teased, smiling. In an instant, as one more tuft of paper came out, that smile was gone, replaced by wide eyes and pure surprise.

“…Dean?”

“Did you buy me a [leather jacket](http://hells-half-acre.livejournal.com/115166.html)?” he asked, stunned.

“…I remember you had one when we met. You didn’t have it with you when you last came out….and I didn’t know if you still had it, so I asked Sam, and he said last time you wore it was…like…two years before you were last here…” He looked up at her, the jacket clutched between his fingers, and he shifted, carefully sliding it on. She could see the expression on his face change to one of bliss and happiness, and she bit her lip, hopeful.

“Oh my god, Nik…”

“Do you like it?”

“Are you kidding me?” he asked, running his hands down the sleeves, down the front, as he crossed the room, and yanked her body against his. She laughed, biting back a squeal, as he lifted her feet from the floor and spun her around. “I _love_ it! Are you kidding?! I freaking miss my leather, and this, Nik, oh my god this feels _right_ ,” he laughed, letting her feet touch the floor as he pulled back, and stuffed his hands into the pockets.  “How the hell did you get it right?”

“I almost didn’t…there was a shop at the mall, with a rack full of leathers, and Sam came in with me…I managed to find someone who looked about your size to help…and this was the one that…just…it felt familiar.” He bowed his head, cupping her cheek as he captured her lips in a sweet kiss, as her hands clutched to the collar of the jacket.

“Someone stole it, you know…”he murmured, pressing kisses across her cheek, down her neck. “I was at a bar, had it on the chair behind me. First and only time I ever did that…and they walked off with it when I was getting a drink.”

“Getting a drink?”

“Hitting on the waitress, but just so I could get a drink,” he admitted, making her laugh as she moaned as he nipped at her collarbone.

“Learn your lesson?”

“Very much so…” Her fingers plucked the button of his jeans, and pushed down his zipper, her hands slipping around to his bared hips.

“Dean?”

“Mmm?”

“Say it again…” He chuckled, and lifted his head, kissing her softly.

“I love you, Nikki…” She grinned, pushing the leather off his shoulders and tossing it onto the desk as she backed him towards her bed.

“I love you too…”

“And I’d like to stay…as long as you’ll have me.”

                She stopped, and took a step back, looking up at him in surprise.

“What?”

“We have a lot of details to hammer out…and we might just ask you to move to Kansas with us, instead of us moving out here…but until we get things figured out…unless I have to go…I would like to stay here, with you, with Hayvin, for as long as you’ll have me.” She studied his features, gentle and hopeful, before leaning up, and nipping lightly at his bottom lip.

“This…is as much your home now, as it is ours. And once the holiday is over, you can have a copy of the key, to come and go as you please,” she murmured, as he wrapped his arms around her waist.

“You are far too good for someone like me.”

“I love you, Dean Winchester, and that is the end of all arguments,” she replied, making him chuckle, and pull her against his chest.

“I love you too, Nikki…I always have.” Carding his fingers through her hair, he sighed, and kissed her lightly once more. “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas, Dean.”


End file.
